A recent study conducted by US somnologists has concluded that the Matamata Turtle (Chelus fimbriatus)
is responsible for the majority of nightmares in the youth of South
America. Children across the continent have been waking up terrified at
all hours of the night without any explanation. FDA funding has finally
allowed officials to begin taking a look at solving this catastrophic
problem.
“It looks like a pile o’ sticks ‘n’ leaves stuck together with some
shit,” stated homemaker Natalie Beamon of Kentucky. “No wonder them
poor kids can’t sleep. They think it’s a pile o’ shit, then it moves
‘n’ scares the crap outta ‘em. Damn thing fell outta the ugly tree ‘n’
hit every branch the whole way down!”
Specialists generally agree with Ms. Beamon’s testimony and governments around the globe are lending a helping hand.
Paula Deen, famed Food Network chef, shared a recipe for turtle soup
with the Brazilian government, insisting that adding a large amount of
butter and cream not only thickens the soup, but eases the bitter flavor
of the Matamata. Officials there have not yet released the full
ingredients list, but Deen has suggested that we “eat them all to save
the children”.
Vegan animal rights activist Sally McGuire, an unemployed resident of
the Portland area, has suggested a reptilian beauty pageant. “This
poor creature has been ridiculed her whole life. Look at her beautiful
smile. She deserves to feel good about herself. We can’t continue to
hurt her feelings by discussing her physical characteristics. We just
need to understand and love her for who she is.”
US government officials have offered the assistance of the United
States Army in the attack against Matamatas. Troops are currently on
alert, awaiting orders to infiltrate the Amazon Rainforest and rid the
land of all offensive reptiles.
South American leaders are expected to come to a decision next week.
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