Friday, January 20, 2012

Nightmare Crisis Nears Resolution

A recent study conducted by US somnologists has concluded that the Matamata Turtle (Chelus fimbriatus) is responsible for the majority of nightmares in the youth of South America. Children across the continent have been waking up terrified at all hours of the night without any explanation. FDA funding has finally allowed officials to begin taking a look at solving this catastrophic problem.



“It looks like a pile o’ sticks ‘n’ leaves stuck together with some shit,” stated homemaker Natalie Beamon of Kentucky. “No wonder them poor kids can’t sleep. They think it’s a pile o’ shit, then it moves ‘n’ scares the crap outta ‘em. Damn thing fell outta the ugly tree ‘n’ hit every branch the whole way down!”

Specialists generally agree with Ms. Beamon’s testimony and governments around the globe are lending a helping hand.

Paula Deen, famed Food Network chef, shared a recipe for turtle soup with the Brazilian government, insisting that adding a large amount of butter and cream not only thickens the soup, but eases the bitter flavor of the Matamata. Officials there have not yet released the full ingredients list, but Deen has suggested that we “eat them all to save the children”.

Vegan animal rights activist Sally McGuire, an unemployed resident of the Portland area, has suggested a reptilian beauty pageant. “This poor creature has been ridiculed her whole life. Look at her beautiful smile. She deserves to feel good about herself. We can’t continue to hurt her feelings by discussing her physical characteristics. We just need to understand and love her for who she is.”



US government officials have offered the assistance of the United States Army in the attack against Matamatas. Troops are currently on alert, awaiting orders to infiltrate the Amazon Rainforest and rid the land of all offensive reptiles.

South American leaders are expected to come to a decision next week.

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