Saturday, January 21, 2012

Reaper Finally Captured in Wisconsin

Milwaukee, WI - ATF officials apprehended six week old Princess Snuggles, more commonly known as "The Reaper," early this morning after a two week manhunt originating in Tennessee. Officials finally cornered the fugitive in a warehouse in Milwaukee as she tried to clear out a storage unit containing fully automatic rifles and close to $30,000 in cash. Bulletin reporters were fortunate enough to be present at the scene of the arrest.

 Snuggles has been under surveillance since escaping the womb. Originally wanted for the sale of explosives on the black market, Snuggles quickly progressed in her life of crime. Involvement with several gangs led her to add arson and murder to her criminal enterprise skill set. ATF has not yet revealed the official list of charges.

"There was a time when we suspected The Reaper had started dabbling in the drug trade as well, but our intel seems to have been mistaken. When we captured Ms. Snuggles, the only substance she had on her being was a small bag of cat nip. We imagine she used it to calm her nerves during her time on the LAM," stated Agent Nicholas Mullins.  

Snuggles is currently being held in Milwaukee's South House of Correction as she awaits extradition. Citizens nationwide are relieved that such a dangerous criminal mastermind has been removed from population.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Nightmare Crisis Nears Resolution

A recent study conducted by US somnologists has concluded that the Matamata Turtle (Chelus fimbriatus) is responsible for the majority of nightmares in the youth of South America. Children across the continent have been waking up terrified at all hours of the night without any explanation. FDA funding has finally allowed officials to begin taking a look at solving this catastrophic problem.

“It looks like a pile o’ sticks ‘n’ leaves stuck together with some shit,” stated homemaker Natalie Beamon of Kentucky. “No wonder them poor kids can’t sleep. They think it’s a pile o’ shit, then it moves ‘n’ scares the crap outta ‘em. Damn thing fell outta the ugly tree ‘n’ hit every branch the whole way down!”

Specialists generally agree with Ms. Beamon’s testimony and governments around the globe are lending a helping hand.

Paula Deen, famed Food Network chef, shared a recipe for turtle soup with the Brazilian government, insisting that adding a large amount of butter and cream not only thickens the soup, but eases the bitter flavor of the Matamata. Officials there have not yet released the full ingredients list, but Deen has suggested that we “eat them all to save the children”.

Vegan animal rights activist Sally McGuire, an unemployed resident of the Portland area, has suggested a reptilian beauty pageant. “This poor creature has been ridiculed her whole life. Look at her beautiful smile. She deserves to feel good about herself. We can’t continue to hurt her feelings by discussing her physical characteristics. We just need to understand and love her for who she is.”

US government officials have offered the assistance of the United States Army in the attack against Matamatas. Troops are currently on alert, awaiting orders to infiltrate the Amazon Rainforest and rid the land of all offensive reptiles.

South American leaders are expected to come to a decision next week.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Ejaculate Survives Drain; Grows Teeth

Originally thought to be its own species, scientists have confirmed that the Frilled Shark is actually human semen that survived the shower drain. The "shark" has always been particularly elusive, making it hard to accomplish any species testing.  When a carcass washed up on the Western shore of Japan Tuesday, ichthyologist Takuma Yamoto and his team began exploring the general makeup of the creature.

To the team's surprise, when they cut into the "shark", it was just a slimy substance and there were no recognizable organs.  What appeared to be skin consisted of the same material.  Yamoto noticed the similarity to male ejaculate and was able to trace DNA to 15 year old Hiraku Itsuki of Ebina.
The Beast Bulletin was unable to reach Itsuki directly for comment, but translators overseas say that the only statement he has given so far is the American equivalent of, "it ain't mine!"
According to Yamoto, it is, in fact, Itsuki's.  The adolescent male is thought to have relieved himself in the shower, where the ejaculate washed down the drain, through the pipes and out into the ocean quickly enough that it was able to grow. Japan is now funding a scientific study that will consist of designing high powered microscopes to determine if individual sperm have mouths.
Having shamed his family, the world eagerly awaits to find out if the unlucky teen will partake in the country's custom of ritual suicide or if Itsuki will be available for scientific testing. Japanese officials believe the adolescent's resilient semen may be the key to eternal life.  A decision is expected by the end of the week.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Diabolical Dragon Devours Divers

Australia: Draconis Aqueous, more commonly known as the Australian Water Dragon, has sprung up on Australia’s coast, putting divers all across the Great Barrier Reef in grave danger.  Citizens are urged to steer clear and popular tourist destinations have been asked to warn their clients. Marine biologists and Sea World staff across the planet beg that everyone avoid the area until a solution is reached.  A possible evacuation of Australia as a whole is currently under consideration by government officials.
The Water Dragon was discovered as recently as a few months ago when a surfer visiting from California, Shawn “Gnarly” Everett, encountered one of these creatures and lost his left leg.  We tried to have a word with him in his room at Cairns Base Hospital, where he is still in recovery, but only managed to obtain this picture of him before he was whisked off to physical therapy.  He apparently broke his right leg trying to learn how to walk on his new, fake left leg.  Recovery has been a slow  and painful process. 

Since Everett’s encounter in August 2012, 37 more have fallen victim to the Water Dragon’s digestive tract.  The invertebrate stretches its mouth around its prey, slowly engulfing its body like a snake.  As it does this, it secretes an acid to aid in digestion, beginning to break down the mass of its victim before it even has a chance to escape.  This worked in Everett’s favor, as the acid allowed his leg to separate from his body and his close proximity to the shore line allowed him to flee before the Water Dragon had finished his leg.  In most cases, if a limb separates, the creature simply swallows the limb and reattaches itself to its victim. 
The Water Dragon generally stays in deeper waters.  Officials are under the impression that Everett has been the only victim in waters less than 15 meters deep.  The creature is suspected to range from 3 to 30 meters in length with significant girth, but as it is a new discovery, scientists are not fully aware of its abilities at this point.  One marine biologist shared suspicions that it may be able to flatten itself due to its supposed lack of bones, which would allow it to get into much shallower waters should it run out of prey in the open sea.  Another scientist believes that its long, anemone-like fringe may spread like wings, allowing it to fly and reach more victims on dry land. The apparent lack of gills alludes to a blowhole, meaning that this monstrous amphibian would be able to breathe out of water for extended periods of time if need be. 
Individuals across the planet are urged to be aware of this potential threat.  The Kardashian sisters in the Unites States have started manufacturing blue rubber bracelets and magnetic ribbons for vehicles to help increase Water Dragon awareness. President Barack Obama has declared the third week of every January “Water Dragon Awareness Week” and is considering sending troops to Australia to aid in the defeat of these creatures. 
“God is angry!” insists Harold Camping, a popular US Christian radio broadcaster.  “We’ve remained sinners too long! The rapture has passed and we were deemed unworthy. We are doomed to fall victim to this demon. God has punished me for failing to rescue enough of you heathens. Repentance won’t save us now…”

This creature is actually known as the Blue Dragon Nudibranch.  It’s a sea snail that lives in temperate tropical waters. It feeds off the Man of War jellyfish’s toxins, producing a sting far more deadly due to its ability to store the toxins in its appendages.  Here’s its actual size.  Neat.