Originally thought to be its own species, scientists have confirmed
that the Frilled Shark is actually human semen that survived the shower
drain. The "shark" has always been particularly elusive, making it hard
to accomplish any species testing. When a carcass washed up on the
Western shore of Japan Tuesday, ichthyologist Takuma Yamoto and his team
began exploring the general makeup of the creature.
To the team's surprise, when they cut into the "shark", it was just a
slimy substance and there were no recognizable organs. What appeared
to be skin consisted of the same material. Yamoto noticed the
similarity to male ejaculate and was able to trace DNA to 15 year old
Hiraku Itsuki of Ebina.
The Beast Bulletin was unable to reach Itsuki directly for comment,
but translators overseas say that the only statement he has given so far
is the American equivalent of, "it ain't mine!"
According to Yamoto, it is, in fact, Itsuki's. The adolescent male
is thought to have relieved himself in the shower, where the ejaculate
washed down the drain, through the pipes and out into the ocean quickly
enough that it was able to grow. Japan is now funding a scientific study
that will consist of designing high powered microscopes to determine if
individual sperm have mouths.
Having shamed his family, the world eagerly awaits to find out if the
unlucky teen will partake in the country's custom of ritual suicide or
if Itsuki will be available for scientific testing. Japanese officials
believe the adolescent's resilient semen may be the key to eternal
life. A decision is expected by the end of the week.
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