Thursday, January 19, 2012

Ejaculate Survives Drain; Grows Teeth

Originally thought to be its own species, scientists have confirmed that the Frilled Shark is actually human semen that survived the shower drain. The "shark" has always been particularly elusive, making it hard to accomplish any species testing.  When a carcass washed up on the Western shore of Japan Tuesday, ichthyologist Takuma Yamoto and his team began exploring the general makeup of the creature.

To the team's surprise, when they cut into the "shark", it was just a slimy substance and there were no recognizable organs.  What appeared to be skin consisted of the same material.  Yamoto noticed the similarity to male ejaculate and was able to trace DNA to 15 year old Hiraku Itsuki of Ebina.
The Beast Bulletin was unable to reach Itsuki directly for comment, but translators overseas say that the only statement he has given so far is the American equivalent of, "it ain't mine!"
According to Yamoto, it is, in fact, Itsuki's.  The adolescent male is thought to have relieved himself in the shower, where the ejaculate washed down the drain, through the pipes and out into the ocean quickly enough that it was able to grow. Japan is now funding a scientific study that will consist of designing high powered microscopes to determine if individual sperm have mouths.
Having shamed his family, the world eagerly awaits to find out if the unlucky teen will partake in the country's custom of ritual suicide or if Itsuki will be available for scientific testing. Japanese officials believe the adolescent's resilient semen may be the key to eternal life.  A decision is expected by the end of the week.

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