Diabolical Dragon Devours Divers

Australia: Draconis Aqueous, more commonly known as the Australian Water Dragon, has sprung up on Australia’s coast, putting divers all across the Great Barrier Reef in grave danger.  Citizens are urged to steer clear and popular tourist destinations have been asked to warn their clients. Marine biologists and Sea World staff across the planet beg that everyone avoid the area until a solution is reached.  A possible evacuation of Australia as a whole is currently under consideration by government officials.

The Water Dragon was discovered as recently as a few months ago when a surfer visiting from California, Shawn “Gnarly” Everett, encountered one of these creatures and lost his left leg.  We tried to have a word with him in his room at Cairns Base Hospital, where he is still in recovery, but only managed to obtain this picture of him before he was whisked off to physical therapy.  He apparently broke his right leg trying to learn how to walk on his new, fake left leg.  Recovery has been a slow  and painful process. 

Since Everett’s encounter in August 2012, 37 more have fallen victim to the Water Dragon’s digestive tract.  The invertebrate stretches its mouth around its prey, slowly engulfing its body like a snake.  As it does this, it secretes an acid to aid in digestion, beginning to break down the mass of its victim before it even has a chance to escape.  This worked in Everett’s favor, as the acid allowed his leg to separate from his body and his close proximity to the shore line allowed him to flee before the Water Dragon had finished his leg.  In most cases, if a limb separates, the creature simply swallows the limb and reattaches itself to its victim. 

The Water Dragon generally stays in deeper waters.  Officials are under the impression that Everett has been the only victim in waters less than 15 meters deep.  The creature is suspected to range from 3 to 30 meters in length with significant girth, but as it is a new discovery, scientists are not fully aware of its abilities at this point.  One marine biologist shared suspicions that it may be able to flatten itself due to its supposed lack of bones, which would allow it to get into much shallower waters should it run out of prey in the open sea.  Another scientist believes that its long, anemone-like fringe may spread like wings, allowing it to fly and reach more victims on dry land. The apparent lack of gills alludes to a blowhole, meaning that this monstrous amphibian would be able to breathe out of water for extended periods of time if need be. 

Individuals across the planet are urged to be aware of this potential threat.  The Kardashian sisters in the Unites States have started manufacturing blue rubber bracelets and magnetic ribbons for vehicles to help increase Water Dragon awareness. President Barack Obama has declared the third week of every January “Water Dragon Awareness Week” and is considering sending troops to Australia to aid in the defeat of these creatures. 

“God is angry!” insists Harold Camping, a popular US Christian radio broadcaster.  “We’ve remained sinners too long! The rapture has passed and we were deemed unworthy. We are doomed to fall victim to this demon. God has punished me for failing to rescue enough of you heathens. Repentance won’t save us now…”




This creature is actually known as the Blue Dragon Nudibranch.  It’s a sea snail that lives in temperate tropical waters. It feeds off the Man of War jellyfish’s toxins, producing a sting far more deadly due to its ability to store the toxins in its appendages.  Here’s its actual size.  Neat.